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Taylor - Always Remembered

2006 was ending, and life couldn't have been better. I had been dating an amazing guy, and although both him and I were off to Iraq, I had hope that our friendship would continue to grow. I was in Iraq for two weeks when I found out that I was pregnant, 17 Jan 07, the day my whole world changed. I had taken two at home pregnancy tests, both were positive, so I went to medical.

While walking to medical, I started to bleed. They completed blood tests, and then did an ultra sound, they decided to airlift me out because they thought the baby was either eptopic or outside the uterus. I couldn't believe it, the same day I find out about this life, he might leave me as well. The tears just wouldn't stop. At the next hospital, they determined the baby was in fact in my uterus and that it was just either the uterus expanding or implantation. I continued to bleed brown and have cramping, the doctors just told me to be worried if the blood turned bright red. Finally out of Iraq and into a more stable country, everyone was so nice, they were all so worried about my little baby. The bleeding and cramping continued, the hcg levels were slow to rise, but finally, finally, there was my babies heartbeat, so tiny, but so strong. The doctors released me to fly back to my station. All along the flights and hospital stays, people looked after my precious cargo. Not even letting me get up unassisted for bathroom breaks.

I arrived back home and the father (very scared & stressed) was here to meet me. The father was able to see the baby’s heartbeat that night on the ultra sound. I finally stopped bleeding and cramping. The doctors said the bleeding was from a hemorrhage in my uterus, it was just old blood, and it hadn't been affecting the baby yet. Again, they told me to worry if the blood turned bright red, but the doctors did say that I only had a 50/50 chance of keeping my unborn child. The father and I were going through very difficult times, one day we would want to stay together, the next day we were breaking up. It was a horrible roller coaster.

I knew that I could do this on my own; I was very secure in my job and life in general. I give this baby all the love and more that he needed. The next time I went to the doctor, I received hope for the first time, the hemorrhage was half the size it used to be and the baby’s heartbeat was strong! Finally, I felt there was hope!

The father and I were about to break up, but then one Friday night we went baby shopping, I burst into tears in the store, but after awhile we began having fun at trying to figure out how all the gadgets worked. I had thought he was going to move out the next day, but he told me when I said I would go apartment shopping with him, he had decided to stay and make a go of it. Everything in my world was turning perfect, I couldn't have been happier, I had a baby on the way, and my relationship was turning around.

I went to the doctor on Valentines Day (I should've known better then to go on a holiday), for lower back pain. The doctors couldn't agree; one was just going to send me on my way and tell me to suck it up, pregnancy ain't pretty, but another doctor ordered a hcg test and another ultra sound. They tried to just listen to the heartbeat, they thought I was far enough along, but they couldn't find it, then the ultra sound. By this time I knew what I was looking for on an ultra sound, the little flashing heartbeat, but it wasn't there, I kept asking, and the doctors wouldn't say anything, the nurse just grabbed my hand, I started to cry.

They brought in other doctors, and better machines, they all looked over me to the screen, no one talking to me. Why wasn't anyone talking to me! Finally, the head doctor told me my baby had no heartbeat. They said the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks and 2 days. I knew my baby for less then a month, but I will love him for the rest of my life time. They offered me a D & C, I refused, I couldn't do that, we tried to just let my body naturally miscarry that long week, but it didn't, didn't even bleed a drop. I still had hope that maybe; just maybe my baby was still alive. The final ultra sound showed the same thing, no cardiac activity. They induced me on 20 Feb 07, I laid at home on my couch, not knowing what to expect, a very heavy period is all I was told.

The father was gone; he left the Saturday after I found out the baby had passed. I went into labor for a child that was never going to breathe. There was a lot that came out of me, not just a heavy period as I was told. I never saw my baby, I wanted to, I tried to keep everything, to bury him, but I think in the final stages of labor when most of it came out, I freaked, and my friend ended up washing him down the drain. That's one of the hardest things to accept, that I can't even bury my baby.

I haven't been the same since, I've lost my dear child, the father has left me, and I have nothing now and am so very alone. I've been cut deep in my life, so very deep at times, but they have all healed over; this time though, a piece of me is missing, gone forever. All I want is my baby back! I prayed for a miracle, but it never came. It was my first pregnancy and I don't have a husband next to me who can say, "It's ok honey, we'll try again".

I felt life inside of me, precious life, now all I feel is empty. I don't want to see women with babies, they're all around, but I just can't handle seeing them. I want to close off to the world, but it won't let me. All I want is my child back, that's all I ever wanted. I will forever love my unborn Taylor. Forever.


Laura

The Next Time

Ladies...I'm soo glad to find sooo many women who understand what I've gone through.

I WAS angry...at the hospital I chose to care for me during my pregnancy, at my boyfriend, and worst of all at God!

When I found out I was losing my baby I asked God why. I'd always tried to be a good person and live a decent honorable life. My first big oops was getting pregnant before marriage. The pregnancy wasnt planned....but we were planning to get married. Before we could get married I found out that my fiance was cheating on me with his exgirlfriend and was going back to her. About a week later I found out I was pregnant.

They both began harrassing me at work and at home. I had to change my phone number an even thought of getting an Order of Protection. It was an absolute nightmare!

Despite my situation I very much wanted this baby. It would be my first! I already loved this baby from the moment the + sign showed in the test window!

Why am I angry at the hospital & Doctors? All the concerns I had were dismissed as being normal. I was extra sensitive about what my body was going through so they may have thought that I was just a whiner or making more of my symptoms. But I obviously wasnt. Every fear I had every time I got a cramp or saw pink tinged urine was realized. The worst part is that although they knew that the chances of my pregnancy going to full term was less than 20% they continued to encourage me and tell me that everything I was going through was normal. Yeah it was normal allright....normal signs of a miscarriage in the making!

During my pregnancy I'd been reading the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I would read the book only up to the point of where I was in my pregnancy though. I thought it would be bad luck to read ahead because I was raised by my Grandma who believed in and taught me a lot of country folklore and superstitions, one being "Never count your chickens until the eggs hatch".

After my miscarriage I decided to pack the book away but before doing so I opened it one more time. I skipped to the section on Miscarriages. It said that passing any blood clots at any time in your first tri-mester is what is called a "Threatened Miscarriage" and these lead to actual full miscariages in almost every case.

I had passed a substantial sized blood clot at 10 weeks, had gone to the ER and had an ultrasound done. Yes, my baby was fine after that, but the doctors full well knew that I had almost NO CHANCE of carrying this pregnancy to term or even through the first-trimester but they did not give me any warning or information at all.

The book says that most doctors won't tell you that your chances for carrying to term are low in cases such as mine because they dont like to play 'God'. They dont want to be responsible for telling anyone that they will or will not lose their baby because there is no 100% way of knowing which way it may go. Well I sure wish the doctors would have trusted me as an adult to provide me with the hard data and medical facts of the matter! They didnt have to tell me with certainty that I would lose my baby but they couldve provided me with the statistical data and allowed me to interpret it for myself!!!

If they had told me at 10 weeks that medical history shows that I had about a 20% chance of carrying the pregnancy much further than that I could've have at least prepared myself for what was coming. I wouldve waited before going baby shopping. I wouldnt have started thinking of names, and I wouldnt have told so many people!

How many people I wouldn't have told about my pregnancy!!!

I had read in many articles that one should wait until after 12 weeks to start spreading the news because the chances of miscarriage are lessened at that point. So at 12 weeks I told everyone! All my friends and family, my mom and grandma, who were the only ones (besides the father of my baby) who knew from day 1, told all their friends. If the doctors had been honest with me I wouldnt have started speading the news so soon. After all..I had the bleeding episode at 10 weeks.

Knowledge is power! Read books and even read the parts that you think dont relate to your situation. I never read the section about miscarriages because of course I never thought it could happen to me.

Knowledge is power, but God has ALL the power. He is a wonderful God and we dont understand sometimes his reasoning and timing. But if you continue to trust in him and praise him even in your darkest moments you will find the light at the end of even the darkest tunnels. He didnt take our babies to punish us. I dont know why he did. I like to tell myself that my baby was a perfect Angel. Too perfect for even me! Perfect Angels like him belong only in one place, a place I hope to someday visit.

Although my faith is in tact I still have some resentment for the doctors who told me everything would be fine but knew the exact opposite. I think that is very wrong.

Ladies......especially those who are experiencing first pregnancies or miscarriages. The next time around arm yourself with two things....Knowledge and Faith! Of course you must apply both. Knowledge without application is useless! Read, read, read, and pray, pray, pray! And know no matter the outcome you absolutely did all you could and that God loves you and your precious baby.

Tara

Obstetric Cholestasis

Several months ago I became extremely sick. So sick in fact that we got blood and urine tests done. They came back and all our Dr./midwife could tell from them was that I had a virus. We were not too worried until I discovered all of my symptoms linked to an illness called Cholestsis of Pregnancy. One of the risks with this sickness is stillbirth of your baby. I became concerned because I had not felt the baby move as much as normal plus I was itching like crazy, which is one of the main symptoms of this illness.

We had a mission team down at the time so I tried to take it easy as much as possible. When the team left we prayed and decided that I should head to the states to monitor the baby and just make sure everything was ok. We decided this on a Sunday and I flew out by myself the next day, Monday. On Tues. I had an appointment with my OBGYN. I was admitted to the hospital for testing. They looked for a heartbeat but were having trouble finding it. Then they brought in an ultrasound machine. They hooked me up and after a few seconds the technician looked at me and said, "I am so sorry there is no heartbeat." I could not believe that my sweet baby was dead.

I started to cry and asked if they were sure. There was also no amniotic fluid. The worst part is that I had just felt her move the day before. They were very kind and super concerned for me at the hospital. I called Michael and he and I cried over the phone together. He then went to work getting a flight booked for himself and the kids. They were set to arrive that same day at 4pm. I called my wonderful grandmother and she agreed to come pick me up and meet them at the airport. My cousin Annie and her son also came down, they were such a blessing! After the hospital I drove myself to my brothers.

I enjoyed the time to myself. I was able to scream and cry all I wanted to. At one point that day I saw a newborn with his mommy and it took everything in me not to burst into tears. When I saw Michael at the airport we just held each other tight and cried for a few minutes. I was so glad he was able to come so quickly! We had lots of decisions to make and we needed each other’s support. We decided that we would be induced and settled on that Fri. the 16th. In between that time we made funeral arraignments and spent quality time with the kids. My worst fear was that someone would ask about my pregnancy, but thank God no one ever did.

Thursday the 15th of June we left the kids with some good friends. It was nice having someone we trusted to leave them with. Then we drove to a hotel in San Antonio since we had to be at the hospital early. When we arrived at the hospital and before they induced me we were told that I had contracted Hepatitis A and that I also had Cholestasis of Pregnancy. The Cholestasis we believe lead to the stillbirth. They then induced me and said it would probably take about 12 hours for the baby to be born since I was only 32 weeks along.

We started the process and I was scared to death, I mean I have done natural childbirth with the other two but I was at home and I let it happen naturally, but I had heard so many horror stories about inducing that I was really scared. God was so good to us though; we got a wonderful Christian nurse who printed out information on Hep. A for us, reassured us and was just a true comfort. I was really feeling sorry for whoever had to help us, because no one wants to deliver a dead baby, but she never made us feel badly.

The contractions started coming and within 45 minutes. I really had to concentrate through them, I told Michael and the nurse that they felt like transition contractions, but I thought that could not be so since so little time had passed. We had decided in advance that I would take a sedative for the pain since it would not affect the baby because she was already gone. I asked for the sedative and three minutes afterwards I felt the urge to push, well I told the nurse this but did not think it was real since it had only been an hour since everything had been put into motion.

Well she checked and sure enough the baby was ready to be pushed out. I barely pushed 2 times and out she came. I told Michael that through this short labor and easy pushing I really felt that God loved me, I think I had doubted it since the day I had found out our baby had died. Baby Charlsie Grace, as we decided to call her, was truly beautiful. She was 3lb. 2oz. and 18 in. long.

We named her Charlsie after my grandmother and myself. We had decided on that name even before I got pregnant with her. And Grace because it was only by HIS grace that we got through this horrible situation. We held her for a while and then a wonderful lady came in to clean her up and dress her. This sweet lady suffered a loss herself and so now makes it her mission to help out with stillbirths whenever she is on duty. I was so blessed by her act of kindness. I did not think my baby would be treated like all the rest but she was, she was cared for, talked to, and made beautiful by this kind woman.

Michael and I spent some more time with our baby girl, and about 6 hours after she was born we said goodbye to her and went to our hotel. I was glad to be out of the hospital, but I missed our baby girl, my arms ached to hold her. The next day we went back to Kerrville to get the kids. That Sunday we buried our little girl on top of my grandparent’s property in Hunt. She is under a tree in a beautiful spot. Michael carried her little white coffin and laid her in her grave, I thought it was fitting since she was daddy's little girl.

We spent the next week doing family things. It was a wonderful time to reconnect and spend time together. We still miss our little girl very much but, God has been faithful in giving us peace and grace, and I do not know how we would have gotten through this time without all of the prayers of our friends and family. Well I know I have left some parts out and this is very, very long but I want it written down for myself and for those who wish to know.

In memory of Charlsie Grace, I love you baby girl!

Charlsie Swadley

Goodnight sweetheart

My husband and I were delighted when we learned that we were expecting again, given that we had miscarried exactly a year previously. I decided that this time I was going to do everything correct. We had not planned for this baby. We decided that whatever happens happens. So you could just imagine the excitement that we felt when we learned that we were expecting and that God had given us a second chance.

I will never forget the moment when I learned about my bundle of joy. I was sitting in my office at work feeling slightly nauseous when my girlfriend popped her head in the door and asked if I was ok. I had so much going on, I was preparing for my bar exams and working at the same time. I pooped my head up and responded yes, I just feel a little nauseous, being the concerned and inquisitive person that my girlfriend is, she immediately perked herself onto the chair and looked directly at me and enquired as to the symptoms I was having. I informed her that my body felt exhausted. I don't know perhaps with the studying and the working. She asked, when was the last time you had your period? Uhhh December 16, I guess. This was 32 days ago. Ok she responded, we are going to Walgreen's to get a pregnancy kit. I thought she was crazy, nevertheless the result was positive. I immediately called my husband, whose screams I will never forget.

Anyway we scheduled our first doctor's appointment as planned and everything seemed ok. We decided to move to a bigger house so that we could accommodate the arrival of our newborn.

We informed friends and family. I even plucked up the courage to tell my 18 year old daughter, (who is from a previous marriage). She did not seem too pleased initially, given the fact she said she thought I was an older woman. I beg to differ; I do not think 42 is OLD.

My husband and I kept a journal and would write to our baby every night. We were so excited; this was going to be his first child. I stopped drinking alcohol, caffeine and started eating really healthy.

Just as I was approaching my 12th week, I started spotting; I yelled out to my husband, "don't worry," he replied, "didn't the doctor say it was ok to spot?" Regardless, I insisted that we go to the hospital immediately. After waiting 4 hours we were finally examined. The ultrasound revealed that my baby was the size of an 8 week old and that the baby had died 4 weeks ago.

My heart skipped a beat. I looked at my husband who looked devastated, but I could see he was trying to stay strong for my benefit. How could this be? 12 hours ago I was on top of the world. I was the luckiest woman on earth. I had a husband who loved me, great friends a terrific job, I managed to sit my bar exams without any hiccups, why had my world suddenly crumbled? What did I do wrong?

We left the hospital feeling very despondent. I wanted to be strong for my husband because I remembered how hard he took the last miscarriage, but I couldn't help myself, I cried and cried and cried. I called all of my girlfriends because I felt that might ease the pain. Sure enough for a moment or so but then you still remember. That poor sweet innocent baby had been dead inside me for 4 weeks.

I carefully removed all of the baby magazines from the house and placed them away. I wrote a farewell note to our baby in the journal and fell asleep in my husband’s arms that night.

This morning I read a few stories on this site from women who are going through the same experience as I am.

All I can say is stay strong ladies and remember your partners, they are grieving too just as much as we are. Take the time to ask him how he feels, if he does not want to open up just wait until he does.

I know for me and my household, we are going to stay strong. I am going to keep trying to conceive and I know I will have a success story to share. I will always remember my baby's birthday September 21, 2007.

Goodnight sweetheart, we loved you from the date of inception and we will always remember you.


Sandra Triolo

Mad at the world

At 20 weeks me and my boyfriend lost the baby we named Shawn. I had problems the whole pregnancy; I was bleeding the whole time because I had a tear in the plactia. The doctors told us that if I was on bed rest hopefully the tear would heal but that the baby was doing fine and his heartbeat was strong.

I went to see the doctor because I was having really bad pressure and wanted to make sure everything was okay. The doctor said that she never had a 2nd trimester miscarry before so I had nothing to worry about because she didn’t think this would be her first.

Well just 4 days later I miscarried. I was at home with my boyfriend’s mom and it felt like I just had to use the bathroom; well I had the baby instead. I’m not sure how my boyfriend is feeling about the whole thing because he won’t talk to me about it because he doesn’t want me to worry about him right now.

We wanted the baby so badly we were so happy to be pregnant from the day we found out. And people say well you can try again but it’s not the same, we were ready for a baby in July but now we "try" again later!

Some people don’t even want the kids they have and beat them or just leave them we WANTED our baby and he was taken away! It isn’t fair.


Christine