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My Angels

I just lost my fourth stillborn baby on 08/05/09. Yes, my fourth!! I feel very sad and I do not understand anymore why this happens to me. I was 21 weeks , I was admitted to the hopspital for complete bed rest until the baby was born, I was given a very strong medication so I would not have any contractions. I follow Dr orders! Before all this happened I make sure the baby was fine. They did the Chromosonal test that came back fine, his heart beat was fine. Wed 08/05 I started to feel a sharp pain I did not understand what was goin on, I was connected to a monitor where the nurses can see if I was having contractions, I kept asking them what is going on? They did not see any contractions. My water just broke and my baby came out right there in bed where I was. I could not beleive what was happening to me again, again, again. He was only 21 weeks they could not do nothing to save him. I hold him tight as could he still had a heart beat. He was small he was 1 pound 8oz he was my hope. My Dr was there no one could do nothing about it! Why? I was taken down to clean me I was still holding my baby, I kept telling him I am sorry, I am sorry maybe I did not do everything I supposed to do, I did not do a good job At keeping him inside of me. I do not know this is my fourth Angel that go to heaven.

Elizabeth

Ocean Blue

Blue was my little tiny baby. I say goodbye to him today. After a little bledding he came up in a transparent cloud, I clean him and hold him, place him in a cottom and let him swim. He give me life and give me back the most precious person I lost "me".
I feel for everyone here. My heart is with every story. I did not want to tell how it happen, but how the beauty of the few days being pregnant with Blue was a beautiful experience, a short dream that will last for ever.
Suri

suri

stillborn at 38weeks

I we nt into labour on sat 7th march 09, i phoned the hopitial and told them i was having contractions, they told me to come in. I went in at around 6.00am, by 6.40am i had given birth to a perfect beautiful girl, but she was stillborn. I couldnt believe this had happened to me, as im sure all parent who lose a baby due to stillborn cant believe why it has happened to them.

This has been the hardest day of my life to go to 38weeks during a preganancy and lose the baby girl i always dreamed of.

The postmorten results came back that louise diied of an infection called coliforms. The doctor said it happened really quick, so now i kept thinking what if i went in the day before she might be alive and with me now, but i cant go back in time

I later buried my daughter a few weeks later. I still cant believe she has gone. i will always love my little girl she will be will me forever.

suri

MY BOYS !!

i got married in april 2008 and my husband came from pakistan in may 2008 and i found out i was pregnant in june 2008. we was over the moon, couldnt beleive my eyes when i saw the positive result on the home pregnancy test. my mum made me do 3 tests just to make sure. everything was going so well. when i was about 11 weeks i had abit of spotting, stayed with my mum for the night she looked after me and it was gone the next day. i went for my scan at 12 weeks, when i saw my baby move i started to cry, it was too good to be true. my husband was gob smacked. we took pictures home, framed it and sent it to everyone via message. i was about 16 weeks and i felt something flicking in my stomach. i told the midwife and she said its the baby moving, from then onwards everynight the baby would get very active but it was the best feeling in the world. i was 18 weeks and 3 days. went to bed, woke up at 2am with a very sharp pain in my stomach. went to the toilet, and went back to bed. then same again at 3am and then at 4am and every hour after then. it just got worse, my back started to hurt. it was 8am and my husband said you should go to the doctors. i made a appointment with my GP, went to see her at 10am she said its just musclar pains take paracetamol and youll be ok. so i came to my mums house, and there i couldnt even sit i was in tears. i was like a fish without water, couldnt understand what was going on. the pain would shoot from the back to my front and then vice versa. my mum said looks like i am having contractions. she said why didnt you ring me in the night, i told her i didnt know what it was. my eldest sister drove me to A&E, they kept me waiting there for at least 6 hours, the pain was unbareable. they took me to the cubicle and i started screaming and crying, the doctors and nurses would walk in and out and say "whats wrong with her why is she screaming" one doctor came and gave me morphine to ease the pain. i think i must have dozed off for about an hour, when i got up they said we are transferring you to the early pregnancy unit. we think you may be having a miscarriage. by now it was 7pm. i got a room on my own and all my family was called into hospital. the doctor checked me and said i was 4cm dilated. the words i dreaded. she told me i will miscarry but dont know when. it was 8pm and i asked my family to go home. my husband stayed with me. as soon as they left i had my last contraction, and at 8.25pm i gave birth to my gorgeous son hashim. they took him away. he was born asleep. i cried and cried, it was so painful to let him go just like that. and at about 10 or 11 pm we called for our baby. the nurse bought him in a tiny basket, with a white cotton shawl over him, he was lying on his side, hand on hand. i kissed his forehead. and said goodbye to him. i couldnt sleep all that night, i was up in my husbands arms just crying. kept asking him was it something i did or didnt do... the next day the undertaker came to take him away.. we had him buried... when he took him it felt as if someone had ripped my heart out. that was in october 2008. i have had another miscarrige in may 2009 i was 16 weeks then. i will tell my second story another day..... god bless us all.. ameen..

suri

My son, Joel

I have wanted to be a mother my whole life. It took me forever to decide what to go to college for, since all I really wanted to do was be a mom. I ended up waiting a long time before I met a man that I wanted to marry, and he came with two children from a previous marriage, both already in school. I thought, well, at least I'll have stepkids if I can't get pregnant. (I have had some complications that made it uncertain whether I could conceive).

Just three months after starting to try, my husband and I conceived. We were both ecstatic! He had always wanted more children, and I've already established how desperate I was for a baby of my own.

I kept a journal for the baby, and I followed diet and exercise suggestions religiously. I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I went to all of my doctor's appointments, and my wonderful husband was by my side for every single one.

At 22 weeks, we went in for a routine ultrasound. A friend of mine was operating the equipment, but she had assured me that she wouldn't talk much during the exam, so I didn't think anything of it when she got really quiet. My mom came along to see the baby, and the three of us were so excited watching the baby suck it's thumb on the monitor that it was a shock when my doctor walked in.

She is very blunt and to the point, which is part of the reason I liked her so much. I found, though, that it was NOT what I needed when there was a problem. She said, "We see some things that aren't normal, and we need to send you to a specialist. I've already made the appointment for you." Other than telling us that the baby had some fluid in its body, she would not say anything else, which was infuriating. We had to wait three days before we could see the specialist. I will always wonder if it was those three days that led to my son's death.

At the specialist's office, the doctor reported that our baby had hydrops, which is over 80% fatal. He hoped that it was a treatable form, but to find out, he had to do an immediate amnio, take a biopsy, and drain the fluid from off of our baby's heart. It was terrifying when I saw him also stick the needle directly into my baby's beating heart to draw a blood sample (we found out later that was the only way he was going to get one, as my baby's veins and arteries, etc. were too weak to get blood from). Our baby was experiencing heart failure, he said. There was nothing we could do.

I stopped feeling the baby move later that night. The next morning, an ultrasound confirmed that our baby had died, and I was induced to deliver later that day. It was horrible. I had to force myself to believe that the baby would be born alive in order to push. I just couldn't stand the thought of pushing and having only a dead baby as a result.

Of course, when he came out, he didn't cry. I did, though. It was over much too quickly. We had a son, and we decided to name him Joel Thomas. We were able to hold him, but not for nearly long enough.

We learned later that there were no chromosomal or genetic defects, no viruses, and no other apparent cause of death. We are baffled. I created the best possible environment for him, and if it wasn't any of those other things, what killed our baby????

I am deailng right now with the pain of having my husband's other two children around me. Being a stepmom is not nearly as rewarding as I had hoped it would be, and I'm left wondering if I can even continue to do it if I'm never able to have my own children. None of the books I have found talk about what it is like to be a stepparent who has lost her own child, so I am desperately seeking out anyone else who is in the same situation. I am confused by my feelings towards my husband's children and wondering how they can possibly be compatible with the warmth and love I felt when I was about to be a mother myself.

I feel like I lost part of myself, and some days, it is hard to even want to live. I had left my job to stay home with our baby, and now I feel like I have no direction and no purpose in my life. What am I supposed to do?

suri