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why won't people let you grieve?

i lost my baby a few weeks ago in january 2008.

i was completly devasated, to make matters worse all people could say is " it happens" and " you can try again" and " get over it!
how cruel can people be!

the day after losing my baby i could not face getting out of bed and my partner told me to stop crying and move on!

it's much harder for a women to just move on!
i felt guilty every time i smiled cos my baby had to die!

the pain never goes away but im told it gets easier!

no one every really understands the pain until they have gone through it themselves.

my advice is take as long as you need to grieve and ignore the hurtful comments insensitive people make!

wish you all luck!

good bye to my baby i hope ur waiting for me some where
mummy x

Someday...

My husband and I got married on June 23rd, 2007 after dating for almost one and a half years. It was such a wonderful wedding that people were telling us that that was the most wonderful wedding they have ever been to. It was a day full of love, pure joy and hope.

He is truly a wonderful man who made the women in the crowd burst in tears when he read me his vows. It was passionate and so true.
In it, he said:

"Janette, who will hereafter be known as “Sweetie” or “Baby”, I realized rather quickly that there are many, many things I could swear to you in my wedding vows. Everything from just taking out the trash on a regular basis, to standing beside you for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health. But when I sat down and really looked at the list I’d made for myself, I realized that all of these sentiments were just variations on two fundamental promises related to the very definition of what a vow is.

The first is related to the fact a vow is not just a promise, it’s an expression of a genuine, heartfelt belief. It’s the belief that is important, because a vow is only as strong as the belief that drives it. You can tear this universe apart, and you won’t find a single molecule of honor, duty, hope, tenderness, friendship, family … or love. Some things in this world only exist because we chose to believe in them.

I believe in all of those things, sweetie, I promise you that. I believe in the woman standing before me, in her strength and her kindness, and I can’t truly express how proud I am to be up here with you. And I swear to you, I believe in the future we’re only just starting here today, and that I couldn’t find anyone better suited to be the mother of my children someday..."

That 'someday' would have been on August 9th this year.

For months after we got married, I have been teasing him about his promise to give me a baby, even joked about asking someone else if he wasn't up to it.

After five months, he finally said 'it was time' and that he was ready to start. I got pregnant less than a month after.

Everyone was so happy. My mother-in-law who really likes babies burst into tears about the news. My mother was so excited because that was going to be her first grandchild. Everyone was wondering how my baby would look like.

I had all my hopes and dreams built around my precious little baby--I would stop working and stay at home with her. She was going to have a brother/sister right away so she would have a playmate. We were going to sell the condo and buy a house. We were going to sell our first car and buy a van for her. We would make lots of crafts together. I was going to read her stories every night before she goes to bed. I would teach her how to sing (if she likes). She was going to be a kind and loving little person.

But on January 23rd, exactly 7 months after our wedding day, we lost our little Faith. I didn't even get to see her nor hear her heartbeat. That was probably her way of making things easier for me. Could it be that she was protecting me against the pain of it all? Could it be that she was really meant to be an angel?

The physical pain I went through during the miscarriage was nothing, compared to the pain I go through when I wake up each day and realize that Faith isn't here anymore. And that she will never be.

Perhaps someday, I'd get to see her-- my little cherubim. Perhaps someday, we will try again for her little brother/sister.

Perhaps someday...

Janette

Not once, but twice

This is my second stillborn daughter. In between the two i have had a healthy 2 year old daughter. My two daughters were born with a very rare condition called pena-shokeir. With this disease, they begin to lose function in their limbs and they become disfigured. According to literature, that i have found babies begin the pregnancy out fine and eventually they become constricted and no longer are able to swallow, move their legs and arms, and eventually make to much amniotic fluid.

(7/7/01)My first daughter,Kiaya Lauren, was born at 27 weeks and she was perfect. Her arms and legs were not formed correctly because of the condition. I was only sixteen at the time, me and my doctors did not know their were any problems until i went into labor on morning and they could not do anything to save her.

We spoke to a genetic conselor and they told us that with every pregnancy, we had a 25% chance that it would happen again. The chromosone defect is shared between me and my husband (the father of all 3 children).

(9/25/05) Second pregnancy was unexpected, but embraced. She was born with no problems and she even looks just like her sisters. My most recent(1/20/08) pregnancy started out normal but watch very closely. Around 20 weeks we went in for my first ultrasound and given the bad news that i looked like it had reoccured again. We were given the opinion to terminated and we decided against. Just in case the doctors were wrong i would give my daughter a fighing chance.

I noticed early on she never moved as much as my living daughter but every pregnancy is different, so i thought everything was going normal. My doctors never told me otherwise, so we prayed and prayed that everything would be ok and we would have another baby girl.

GOD had other plans on January 20th she was born at 11:25 pm by emergency c-section. The doctors did try to save her but she was already gone. After the shock i wasnt sure if i wanted to take this chance again, but we came to a decision that we both wanted a family, so we would go with IVF from now on to decrease our chances of reoccurence. I can now say that i have two beautiful angel looking over our family.
One day i will see those angels again.
They are my strength, and reason for living, MY THREE BEAUTIFUL ANGELS!!!

Kimberly

poem for kenneth

YOU WERE BORN ON A THURSDAY ON THE 20TH DECEMBER
A DAY IN MY LIFE I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER,
GOING BACK TO JULY WHEN YOU WERE CONCEIVED
IT WAS THE 7TH OF AUGUST,THE BEST NEWS I RECEIVED.

WE PLANNED AND TRIED FOR YOU FOR ALMOST A YEAR
TO FIND I WAS PREGNANT CAUSED MANY A TEAR
WE WERE SO OVER WHELMED,EXCITED AND HAPPY
I COULD ALMOST IMAGINE CHANGING UR FIRST NAPPY.

FOR THE FIRST 5 MONTHS ALL WAS GOING SO WELL
MY BUMP AND MY ANKLES,THEY REALLY DID SWELL
THEN A VISIT TO MY DOCTORR FOR A ROUTINE ANTENATAL
WAS TO PROVE TO BE HEARTBREAKING AND EVEN FATAL.

WE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL TO SEE WHAT WAS WRONG
THROUGH THE TEARS AND FEAR WE TRIED TO BE STRONG
A SCAN SO SADLY REVEALED THAT YOU HAD DIED
BY THEN THE PAIN WE COULD NO LONGER HIDE.

WE JUST CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED SOME MORE
THE BAD PAIN OF LOSING YOU HURT TO THE CORE
IT WASN'T YET KNOWN WHY YOU SLPPED AWAY
WE WERENT TO KNOW TIL THE BREAK OF A NEW DAY.

THAT NIGHT BACK HOME I DIDN'T WANT TO SLEEP
I KNEW ALL I HAD LEFT WAS MEMORIES TO KEEP
THAT NIGHT WAS SO LONG,MISERABLE AND WET
ITS ONE NIGHT IN DECEMBER I'L NEVER FORGET.

THE NEXT MORNING CAME AND WITH IT A BLUR
WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING?IT JUST WASN'T FAIR!
I DIDNT WANT PAIN RELIEF WHEN THEY INDUCED MY LABOUR
EACH MEMORY OF YOU I JUST WANTED TO SAVOUR.

YOU ENTERED INTO THIS WORLD AT 9:30 AT NIGHT
MY WORLD WAS SO DARK,HOW COULD I SEE LIGHT?
YOUR DADDY AND I,WE SOBBED AND SOBBED
WE TRUELY FELT LIKE WE HAD BEEN ROBBED.

YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT,OUR WEE BABY BOY
OUR TEARS OF SADNESS SHOULD OF BEEN TEARS OF JOY
WE HELD YOU WE KISSED YOU WE SAID OUR GOODBYES
ALL WE HAD LEFT WERE THE TEARS IN OUR EYES.

YOUR NOW A PRECIOUS ANGEL IN THE SKY UP ABOVE
AS WHITE AS SNOW AND WITH WINGS LIKE A DOVE
I KNOW YOU'L WATCH OVER ME AS I THINK OF YOU
YOU'L BE RIGHT THERE WITH ME IN ALL THAT I DO.

TIME IS A HEALER,SOME DAY IT'L EASE MY PAIN
MY HEART WILL GO ON KNOWING WE'L MEET AGAIN
NOW GO FLY WITH ANGELS MY PRECIOUS WEE SON
HAVE LOTS OF LAUGHTER AND MILLIONS OF FUN.

I'L LOOK AFTER YOUR BROTHER AND SISTERS DOWN HERE
YOU'L ALWAYS BE ONE OF THEM,SO PRECIOUS AND DEAR.

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART KENNETH XXXXX

LOVE ALWAYS

MUMMY

angie

walking with angels

i'm very lucky to have 6 healthy beautiful children, 5 daughters and 1 son. when i discovered i was pregnant with my 6th child i was already separated from her dad and decided i didnt want anymore children or failed relationships so i got sterilised after my daughter was born. i was happy with my decision until 2 years later when i met the most wonderful guy ever.

after 3 yrs together i got unsterilised and we tried to get pregnant.it took us what seemed like the longest year ever,to get pregnant.we were so excited and blessed 2 be pregnant and done everything possible to maintain a healthy pregnancy.because i was unsterilised there was a risk of ectopic pregnancy and at 6 weeks we had a scare.

i was taken into hosp believing it was an ectopic pregnancy.blood tests were done over 48 hrs which proved it wasnt an ectopic and things progressed great.i had my 12 week scan.....all was well.i had my 20 week scan.....all was well.i thought by this stage nothin could possibly go wrong.

then on 19 th december when i was almost 24 weeks pregnant i went to my dr for a routine ante natal
and he couldn't hear the babies heart beat.i went to my maternity ward were they done a scan and sadly they couldn't find a heart beat.it was obvious my baby had died.it was only the size of a 19 week old baby.

i was sent home until a bed was available on the gynea ward next day.i was in denial that night and the next day at hosp they scanned me again before starting my labour.me and my partner were left alone in a side ward in gynea through my 7 hours of labour.it was one of my worst labours physically and obviously emotionally.i gave birth at 9 20 pm on 20 th dec.no dr came to see me,just a nurse who was about 70% sure i had a wee boy.

they took him away before we could see him but told us we could see him once they checked him over and cleaned him.after an hour our son was brought to us.he was perfect in every way but the cord was wrapped around his neck which was the obvious cause of death.we were devastated and in shock and held our baby boy for a while before the nurse took him away again.

the next morning at 8am a dr came to see me and told me he believed it was a girl! my partner came back to the hosp and we saw our baby again and named her angel.we spent the day waiting fo a dr to come back to us about what to do next.at 2pm the same dr came with post mortem forms and other things to sign etc.while filling out the forms for our daughter the dr then announced that he thought it was a boy!!

my partner and i then decided the only examination we wanted for our baby was to determine the sex of it.the dr said he was pretty sure it was a boy so we quickly decided to call him kenneth after his daddy. we returned home that day and the emptiness i felt was so painful.i suppose i am lucky that i had 6 other kidies to go home to but i wanted my baby boy more than anything else in this world.

the next few days were long and dark and it took me 30 minutes to do my christmas shopping.the world carried on as normal but my world was in pieces.

we went to the funeral home with our minister and had prayers on christmas eve b4 going home to arrange christmas for the other young kids.

faith helped us through the next week til we had our son cremated then on tues 22nd jan we buried his ashes at a tree we bought 4 him in our local cemetery. then on thrs 24th jan i was taken into hosp with severe blood loss.i needed a d & c to remove the remains of the pregnancy.i had a bad infection which could of been prevented if i'd of been scanned or given a d & c after giving birth.i was in hosp 4 days and only got home today.

i know my baby boy is an angel now and he's with me every day.its been faith thats brought me through the hardest 5 wks of my life.i'l always miss my baby & no other will replace him but i hope one day i'l get pregnant again.

to anyone who has lost a baby.....i feel for you,i pray for you and i can assure you that time is a great healer along with faith.
god bless xxx

angie