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My Little Angel

I posted my story about three weeks after we lost our little girl. It was a stillbirth at 37 1/2 weeks, due to diabetes. At that time, I was a grieving, heartbroken mother who didn't want to wake up and face one more day without my little angel. I guess God had other plans, because it's been 13 weeks and 6 days and I'm here breathing and loving her still today. I miss her so much but I wanted to give hope to many of you as so many of you gave me hope when I thought I didn't have any left. I still miss her and there are days when I wake up and cry knowing I'll not see her until one day I meet our maker. Most days are bearable now though. The pain does ease, and every thought is not consumed with "what if's" and "would've, should've, could've."

I think I'm finally accepting God's plan for us. Not that it helps, but this world is getting so evil these days that I am almost glad she's not here in it. Our children probably look down from heaven, their little wings batting like humming birds, thinking "what are they all so sad for?" Our little angels know no fear, no hurt, no tears, no lies, no broken promises and no hate. Our angels are in a perfect place and will be waiting for us to join them. We can only live a good enough life to do so one day. I'm enclosing a poem that my husband and I wrote to her on the night before we laid her to rest. It was read at her funeral to ease our family and friends' hearts and I hope it brings peace to at least one of you today. God bless you all, and you're in our prayers every day and night.

Our Precious Little Girl

You’ll never see a sunset turn day into night.
You’ll never smell sweet lilacs in Spring when the breeze is right.
You’ll never have the pleasure of tossing a baseball in the air,
Or running through wet grass, barefoot, with your loving brothers there.
You’ll never experience a first step, coo or smile.
You’ll never have your Daddy walk you down the isle.
You’ll never wear pigtails in your soft baby hair.
You’ll never laugh with Meme so hard you couldn’t even care.
You’ll never turn a wrench with Papaw on a hot Summer’s day.
You’ll never learn from Nana how to walk in God’s gracious way.
You’ll never play with Poppy and hide toys in his pocket.
You’ll never carry pictures of your own children in a locket.
You’ll never play with Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and Friends.
You’ll never have a family spat and need to make amends.
Of all of the things you’ll never do, think or say,
These next are the ones that hurt the most as we let you rest today.
You’ll never know the warmth of wrapping up in your Daddy’s arms.
You’ll never know Moses’ humor or Brian’s silly charm.
You’ll never hear Mommy’s lullabies or fill our love’s embrace
But we’ve found strength in the next “You’ll Nevers” as we lay you in this place.
You’ll never know pain or sorrow or even shed a tear.
You’ll never have a worry and you’ll never need to fear.
You’ll never have impurities or reasons for self doubt.
You’ll never have to find a way to try and work things out.
So as we say so long for now, Love, we just want you to know
You’ll never leave our hearts, Addy Girl, in Summer, Spring or snow.
We’ll all see you soon, Little One at Heaven’s Pearly Gates.
So go on, run to Jesus baby, a precious new world awaits.

Written by Mommy and Daddy March 15, 2007

April

Miscarriage

I was only six and a half weeks pregnant, and just miscarried yesterday morning starting at 1 am. I got up to use the washroom and saw blood. I didn't panic because I had been spotting right along and my doctor didn't seem too worried about it. But somehow I knew this time was different.

I went back to bed reassuring myself that everything was fine. I got back up at 2:45 and went back into the bathroom. That time I passed two small clots. That's when I got worried, because I knew that was not normal at all. I woke my husband and he told me not to worry and that i was overreacting (I had been in somewhat of a panic about every little thing up to that point, so I don't blame him at all for being that way.)

After that, I went to the bathroom about every 20-30 minutes, and each time I would pass more. Finally, at about 7 or 7:30, I felt a really strange stabbing sensation in my genital area, and then I passed the "grey matter" which I'm assuming was the "baby." My husband and I spent most of the day back and forth between the doctor's office and the hospital.

I'm sure the emotions will come over the let down of losing our first baby. For now I feel kind of numb, and really angry. . .not at God. . . just at the unfairness of life.

kerry

I accept

My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for a long time - almost five months. Then, finally, we got pregnant. We spent so much money on a crib, baby books, everything. We were so happy. One night we were up here at my parent's house and I went to use the bathroom. I found blood, so we went out to the hospital and were told that I was having a threatened miscarriage. They said it was becuase I was stressing. For the next month I layed in the bed, all the time.

After a while I started getting really bad cramps. I couldn't move and got really scared, so I made an appointment to get checked out. My doctor said eveything was fine; my cervix was closed and everything was looking great. Me, my husband, and my mom were really happy to hear that.

Later that day, when I got home, I sneezed and something poped out of me. I freaked out and ran to the bathroom. It looked like a blood clot and that's what we thought after we got off the phone with my doctor.

About a week later I went back to the doctor and they performed an ultrasound. They couldn't find anything. They even did a probe and still could not find the baby. The doctor said that everything should have been fine, my cervix was still closed - but, it wasn't.
We had to go through surgery and everything. They told me after that I had a cyst in my ovary. I don't really know what that means, but if it's keeping me from having a baby, then I want it removed. I told the doctors that, but they didn't want to do anything about it.

Elizabeth Hoilman

Baby Chloe

My story starts last May 2006. I became pregnant with my new partner, who doesn't have kids (I have five with my ex-husband). We got pregnant and we were very happy, but on Mother's Day we had a miscarriage. The doctor said it was probably from a chromosome defect. I became pregnant again in June 2006. Eveything was going along fine, until my 18 week ultrasound when they found my baby had a growth problem and the fluid around her was very low.

I was referred to a pregnancy specialist and had to have an amniocentisis, which came back normal. I then had to receive ultrasounds every 2 weeks. At my 23 weeks ultrasound, I was told my baby had died. Her heart had stopped. That was the worst day of my life. I had 2 of my kids with me at the time and had to make the phone call to tell my partner. That day was a day I'd like to forget but can't. The next day- the 29th of November, 2006 - I delivered a girl who we named Chloe Jane. She was perfect, just very small. We got to hold her and take pictures and she stayed with us until we were ready to let her go. An autopsy was done to see if they could find out what caused her death. The only thing that they could say was that her growth restriction was partly to blame but no definite cause was found.

It's hard losing a baby and living without her everyday. I sleep with her photo every night - I just have to. We are going to try to have another baby in the next month or two. Hopefully, everything will be fine this time. I can't go through losing a baby again.

kylie

Angel

My husband and I found out we were pregnant in February 2007. I was about 4 weeks along. At 10 weeks, I went for my first visit. The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat and so I came in the next day for a sonogram. They said my dates must have been off because they couldn't measure a fetal pole.

My mother has a tilted uterus and I know that makes it hard to see the baby, so even though I cried a lot, we were very optimistic. They said they would check my blood tests and see how they matched up. No one ever got back to me about the blood work but I went in the next week for another sonogram.

A few days before I started spotting. One night there was more blood than spotting and then it got light again, so I tried not to be too worried. The next sonogram showed I was further along than the last week, but I only measured at 6 weeks. I had taken my first pregnancy test over 7 weeks ago and I just knew something was wrong. The next day, April 12, 2007, my husband and I went out to eat with our parents. When we got home, I realized I was bleeding a lot more. I still had no cramps, so I tried not to freak out too much, but we rushed to the ER. There, after many tests, the doctors confirmed I was having a miscarriage. It was definitely the worst day of my life.

I passed everything at the hospital and had no pain whatsoever. I am very thankful for that. I went home that night, but it was horrible. My husband was so upset. He didn't really want to talk about the baby at all after that. We are both doing really well now, although I don't go a day without thinking of my baby, Angel, as I like to call him/her.

The doctors sent me a picture of my last sonogram. I cry every once in a while, but normally the feelings subside after a few minutes and a few tears. I'll never forget my first pregnancy and the baby that would have been here in October.


Darreth