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A PiEce Of MEeH

My Name is Allison Jeannette I am 15 years old and this story was about 3 years ago I was 13 and i was in the 7th grade I am writing this to represent a part of me that was never finish. A part that was taken away along with a love of mine that I cherished. The pregnancy and miscarriage of Valentino was a difficult experience in my life because it made me suffer but gave me more endurance and strength. This changed my life because after this situation home was never the same, happiness became sadness, and talks became tears and silence. Also, the happiness inside me and the joy I brought to other people had vanished and it was just a piece that was left. I learned a lot about myself, it was that I was very mature but that I still had a lot of growing up to do physically, and emotionally. This is my story.

It was a cold and rainy day, tears ran down my face when I saw the little pink cross. Thoughts ran through my mind how could this happen to me? Why me? What am I going to do? At that moment I felt like I should have slit my wrist and ended all of the pain I had. As soon as the result came up, I called him, he was the one to blame. All the images of that night ran through my head, I thought it wasn’t possible, but I knew something went wrong, I knew at that moment when he said “It ripped” the consequences where going to kill me, and to think I thought I was protected. I prayed to God the whole night, without a minute of sleep. I couldn’t imagine the reaction of my parents to the result of my stupidity. The next day I had big black bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep. I saw him walking down the hall I couldn’t help but turn the other way and arrive late to my class. But he followed me, knowing that he was, I felt the tears rushing down my face. I couldn’t help but to stop and think about what just happened how I ran away and didn’t have the nerve to explain myself. He came close and just held me trying to wipe the tears, but it was useless, they just flowed like a stream. All he repeated was “ Don’t worry we gon’ get through dis, just breathe”. The response of my reaction was shocking, I had thought that he would’ve just left and that would’ve been it, but it wasn’t like that. He held me and acted with love and I appreciated that.

Day by day I got even bigger, still hiding the fact that I was pregnant from my parents, I knew that they were going to find out eventually so I finally fessed up. At that moment when I saw the doleful look on my daddy’s face and when my mom said “Get your shit and get the fuck out my house (English version),” reality hit me, I had finally found a way to break their hearts, which hurt me like a bullet to the flesh, inside me I heard something that told me that things were never going to be the same. That something was right, I had realized that they weren’t going to take care of me and my child, and abortion was not in the program. At the time that I was kicked out my home boy, Alex and his mom Claudia open the door that lead me to their warm and loving house. He was more of a baby daddy then the real baby’s daddy was. Alex went crazy. He bought all types of things for the baby and me as well, of course Dominic the father tried to be there during my pregnancy, I wasn’t like I wished, but he was there. One day, I got a call from Dominic he told me that we needed to meet some place because he needed to tell me something, it was at Dolores Park on a foggy day when he told me he had to move to Mississippi for the last semester, but he promised me that he was going to come back to be there for my kid, so I believed him. We said our good byes that day, I cried myself to sleep that night thinking that I would never see him again.

The next day I swallowed my tears, but greatness had become of that day, four months in total had passed and I got big, I went with my friend Jessica to see how my baby was doing, during the sonogram my baby looked like it was smiling, I felt the tears accumulating in my eyes, the nurse asked me if I wanted to know the gender, I smiled and said “please?” she gladly said “It’s a boy”. I named him Valentino Alexander. He and I had a connection, he was my only love while Dominic was away, I remember singing to him before I went to sleep, it was something that I always did since the 3rd month, Alex would tease me, but the next thing you know, he was my back up singer. The 5th month came and I did my monthly check up, I had noticed that Valentino was hiding, so the nurse tried again, my heart was beating a thousand times more faster than usual, and I felt my throat dryer than ever. The nurse had a look of despair, and she sadly but honestly said “Ms. Leiva, I’m afraid the baby is no longer there, I’m sorry”. I fell to the ground with so much grief and mourned, I felt the world ending at my feet and that I could never get through this. I laid in bed for a month with severe depression, I guess I said goodbye before I said hello. Feeling this pain was horrible but the support of amii friends and teachers helped me get through this and i am proud to say that I can look back and smile because I know now that life can be hard but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and he made me stronger.

ALLiSON JEAnnEtTE

Miscarriage-A Mothers Story

She is carrying around a terrible secret and she doesnt even know it.She hears a name on the television and thinks I like that for a girl.She plans the nursery colour scheme.She visits her friend who has a new baby and butterflies of exitement flutter in her stomach or maybe its the baby moving not yet surely its only early days.When you are having a baby every one says only 10 weeks old but listen to the anti abortion view and at 12 weeks the baby is fully formed.At 11 weeks she notices spots of blood on her pants she calls the midwife ,dont worry hormonal changes keep an eye on it.She keeps an eye on it ,it becomes worse and after a week calls the docter,we'll book you in for an emergeny scan but to be honest its not looking good.She enters the hospital as if in a trance but in her heart she already knows.Lie on the bed and lift up your top the friendly stranger says she flinches as the cold jelly hits her warm stomach,then the words she has been dreading "Im sorry my love the sac is there but no baby .Her husband squeezes her hand reassuringly as the tears pour down his face .We've got a quiet area for you to sit in .The anger is welling up in her Why Me?What did I do wrong ?Was it that day trip to London on my feet too long,Was it that glass of wine ?A docter arrives and explains what will happen to the products it is no longer a baby but a product.Hopefully the products will leave the body naturally causing you to bleed for up to 2 weeks if they dont dispel come and see us and we can help you along.She goes home .The bleeding become fierce great lumps of tissue leaving her body the joyous event she was looking forward to has become a nightmare.Everyone keeps saying better now than later on-No better to have a healthy baby.Gradually the bleeding becomes too much and she finds herself in hospital blood pressure now dangerously low.She needs to pass these products they mean whats left of my baby she thinks. She stays overnight and the following morning the scan shows all traces of the baby have vanished .Like the last three months never happened.She goes home again the secrets out there is no baby anymore only in her heart.
Dedicated to all those who have lost a baby or child their spirits live on through you and your families so plant a tree or say a prayer and hold them in your heart forever.
For Isabella the ray of sunshine who got Mummy and Daddy through this .

Jayne Noon

To my son

Dear Isaac,

Your Mommy and Daddy love you so much.
We tried to get pregnant with you for two years and threes weeks before we finally saw two lines on that test strip. I was so excited I couldn’t believe my eyes. I called my sister to come over tell me if it was real. It was!!
Two weeks later daddy and I went in for an ultrasound to make sure you were all right, and to our amazement we saw two eggs: you and your speedy little heart beat (111 flickers per minute!), and a sad egg with no baby inside. Despite the sadness of your vanishing twin, we were overjoyed to have seen you. We wanted you so badly. All our hopes and dreams were coming true.
At just five weeks you took your first vacation. We all went to Turks & Caicos. You were given a free ride because you were in my womb. You made me so sick I slept most of the time. I couldn’t get in the hot tub, I couldn’t go down the waterslide, I couldn’t even get a massage and, trust me, you were growing so fast my back was sore. I wish you could have seen your dad on the plane. He was so brave on the way there, and crying like a baby on the way back!
A week after we returned something else came along – morning sickness. Oh baby, did you make me sick. Still I was so happy to spend time with you I didn’t mind loosing everything I ate to the porcelain god. Together over the next two months we lost 20 pounds. You got bigger; I got smaller. We slept all the time.
April First, I woke up. I felt good. We did some much needed cleaning as daddy was a little lax about the house-work while I was sick.
We got the flu together.
It was while I was sick in bed with the flu that I first felt you move. Just a flutter. An unsettled feeling low in my belly. The most amazing feeling in the world.
One Friday night late that month I woke up feeling pains in my stomach. I went to the bathroom and I swear my heart stopped beating. I saw blood. Red blood. I got your dad and the three of raced to the hospital as fast as we could. We called your grandparents to come. I was so scared I would loose you. The bleeding stopped almost immediately and the doctor saw your heart beating on an ultrasound. You were OK. I spent the next few days resting, not doing anything strenuous. I wanted to protect you.
Nine-thirty the following Monday night I went into labor. Again we rushed to the hospital. The doctors wouldn’t do anything.
You were born two-thirty the following morning. April 21, 2009. You were very premature and your lungs were not developed enough to breath. Your first minutes of life were your last. When everything was over I held you in my hands and cried. You were so small. You were so perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes, tiny ears, tiny nose. I do not have a picture to put in a scrapbook, but I have that memory and I hold it very dear.
You took a piece of my heart when you went to heaven. You will always have that piece and I will always love you.
Now I am a mommy without a baby to hold in my arms.
I am sorry your short life had to be so hard. I’m sorry we didn’t get to know each other.
I love you, my sweet Isaac. Daddy and I will always love you and never forget the time we shared together.

Love always,
Mommy

Dianna Staiger

Lost my dream baby

After 3 yrs of marriage, we thought of finally bringing our dream baby to our world. After 4 mnths of trying, i missed a period still not beliveing i could be pregnant, but I was. I dint to any hpt, direct blood test, i wanted to be just sure. I came back home, phone rang saying "yes you are Pregnant". i count utter one more word. I dialed my husband and I was crying, he thought the result was negative. I was crying heavily with joy, beliveing I was pregnant. Oh wat a beautiful feeling it was. Suddenly I was worried about what to eat, how to walk, sit and all sorts of beautiful things. We both called our parents to share this happy news they had been waiting for so long. I was 5 weeks along. We were so happy we had started visiting baby stores, making plans, reading baby magazines, I was fianlly realizing a beautiful dream. At 6th week, i had a very slight brown spot, i had read it was normal but I was worried, i had my regular visit preponed by 3 days. To our amazement we saw out little baby's heartbeat, we came back with relief an joy that our baby is comfortable inside. Every new day passed with calculated routine, eating, walking and with a new happy feeling. 10 days past, on mothers day (May 10)I passed a heavy dark brown discharge, thinking this was normal, i spoted the whole day, still spotted the next day. Thinking we will go to doc if it dint stop the next day. But the next day was'nt the happy day as beforfe, i passed a huge red clot and i was cramping bad, icalled my husband telling him all this. He was all full of hope, he had reall articles on net abt peoples experience with bleeding and still succesfull, i told him to come home, my instincts were saying the pther story. He was on his way, and was bleeding heavily. having alook at the pot, I saw a ball like thing, I picked it out and I count belive my eyes, there was my baby floating in sac. I stood there watching it silently and shocked. Oh how beautiful it was. I kept strong, i didnt tell my husband a thing on his way, knowing for sure he wont be able to take as he would. I cried all this tiem alot. He knocked the door with a happy smile ensuring me everything would be Ok, but I knw its over. I made him sit and showed him our baby placed in a cup. I remember his facing losing all those hopes he was carrying. He watched it continusly and silent. All this time i was in touch with my doc staff. they had fixed my app. We got ready, carried our baby and the placental tissue along, knowing no doc can do anything anyways now, but we went. They did ultrasound and send u have passed the tissue no need fo D&C.
We were up with endless Qs, but no answer satisfyed us. We came back home, i was a different me, back to where I had strted. We both comforted in each other. I called my mom again, this time with a tragic news, I count stop crying. My husband was worse than me, he cried the entire day, serching answers. I stopped bleeding pretty quickly, here I am now feeling realy healthy. Both of us found a way to be happy and now we are againg happy and laughing cherishing the short but beautiful life and hoping for Good again. Our spirits are high and we are ready to go for it. doc says wait for 2 cycles, but icant lets C.
I love you my first feeling of motherhood

ish

1st MC loss- so sad

I just had a D&C yesterday for a missed miscarriage. I was about 11-12 weeks. I went in for a dating ultrasound to see a beautiful little baby that had no heartbeat. It looked so perfect but the baby had stopped developing at 9 weeks. I could have waited to miscarry naturally but I just couldn't do it. I have three other children and miscarriages seemed like something that happened to other people. I took for granted that things would go as they had before. It just seems like it is over so fast. Four days ago I was planning to move to a new home to make space for this little person and now he/she will never be. It doesn't seem possible. I feel so empty.

My body feels absolutely, perfectly fine today. I'm guilty over that when it should be a relief. It just feels like there should be some physical pain when my heart hurts so very much. How can something so traumatic happen and yet there is no sign of it?

I keep telling myself that it wasn't meant to be, that the baby would have been so sick if it had survived, yada yada yada. It sound good to everyone else but its such a lie. I'm a religious person. I am pretty certain that I'll have more children but I can't understand why, if I'll have more children, why I can't have THIS child. It probably doesn't make sense and is a bit selfish but right now I just want this child, not any other.

When I checked in at the hospital I was crying my eyes out. One of the workers sent me a flower anonymously. The lady that brought me a flower took my hand and told me that she had to have the same thing and that it would take time but eventually everything would be okay. Thank God for her.

I'm keeping my little flower with me everywhere I go right now. It's silly but it means so much to me. With my other children there were many flowers and balloons. With this baby, I have my one small flower to mark its "birth" and passing. My husband can't quite get it and even my mother can't quite get it. But yesterday, there was someone I didn't even know who got it and added a small bit of comfort and I am so very grateful.

I'm sure there will be happier days to come but today I'm mourning the little life that will never be.

Onedayatatime