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the saddest goodbye

With my little angel, everything went perfectly. The 19 weeks scan was perfect, she's a beautiful and active baby inside my tummy. Two weeks after that, me and her daddy went to visit the obstetrician to do another checking and shes fine, her heart is beating as it should be.

At 22 weeks and 4 days, i noticed shes not moving anymore. Four days later, I decided to go to the Doctor to have her checked up. Then her little heart was not beating. I was shattered and in the midst of in denial. December 9, 2010 I was induced, she was very pretty, prefect little nose and lips, long limbs like her daddy. At the very last time she did helped me. Taking with her the placenta so that mummy wont need to push anymore. I don't know what to do, shall i cuddle her, kiss her, shes so vulnerable i don't want to cause anymore damage to her skin.

For almost 6 months i have hopes and dreams for her as mum n dad's first baby. And suddenly, I don't know what went wrong to a perfect start.

To our little angel Victoria, mummy and daddy loves you so much. You will always be our baby, forever to eternity.

jenni

Jennibeth

She didn't stay

My world came crashing when the doctor said he couldn't find a heartbeat when my water broke at 40weeks and 2days, i prayed it was just a machine malfunction, and when he and a colleague confirmed it with the ultrasound, everything just phased out. I could have been stabbed a million times in the chest and i swear, it wouldn't have been as painful.

I could have also sworn I felt her move a few hours before i made the call to the hospital, I was at my Pre natal visit just 3days before and i got a clean bill of health, she still had a heartbeat, so.......what went wrong? where did it go wrong? when did it go wrong? was it something i ate or didn't eat? was it because your dad wasn't around for a while to sing to you? I'll never know will i?

When I delivered her 8hours later, she was warm in my hands and i said to myself, she is very warm, maybe if i hold her to me she will open her eyes and cry out. She didn't! she looked just perfect, she had her daddy's lips, ears and fingers, my nose....She was beautiful! She had a large mass of dark curling hair that grew up to her forehead, almost reaching her eyebrows.

I see her everyday in everything i do, We didn't even get a chance to say hello before she said her goodbyes, I will miss her for the rest of my life and we will always love her.

May God bless you my daughter, May your soul rest in perfect peace.
Adieu!
To Oluwatobi Akilah Raji
Born: 12/08/2010, 5.4pounds.

Ex-mum

My Little Surprise...

I am 35 years old and have two beautiful and healthy daughters, ages 4 and 2. And this past August, I found out I was pregnant again. I was actually in shock, since the pregnancy wasn't planned, but I believe all children are gifts from God, and this little surprise was no different. As my excitement started to build over this baby, sad news shattered my heart. I went to my HR doctor for a routine ultrasound and there was no heart beat. There was a heart beat at 9 weeks, but at 11 weeks and 2 days, there was silence...My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and this one just deepened the pain of that loss. Because of my age and subsequent miscarriage, I was able to have chromosone testing done, and I found out that my baby had an extra chromosone that obviously was the reason my baby couldn't survive. I also found out that I was going to have a son. My daughters give me hope everyday that I can be a Mom just one more time. In a few months I hope to be pregnant again. I'm praying that GOD blesses me with a healthy and happy baby regardless of the gender...butif GOD really wants to overjoy my heart, a beautiful baby boy would be wonderful! To all of you...there is always hope. You must hope against all odds, following your heart, and believe that all things are possible.

Lisa

forever my baby

when i found i was pregnant it was the happyest day of my life. i was in shock because it wasn't planned i didnt know who tell first i found out on a wednesday and that friday i told my boyfriend that we were having a child he was shocked more then me he was scared but happy. when i went in for my first appt my sister went with me because my boyfriend couldnt make it when i seen my baby one the screen i went speech less then i seen the lil heart beat n i wanted to cry.. i told him all about it. everything was goin fine until i had some bleeding on the 19 of november i dismissed it because it was a peach color n it was when i would wipe. that thanksgiving day i had more bleeding n i told my sister she said that it was ok just to relax. i told my mother about the bleeding that saturday n she but me on bed because she said it wasnt normal (my 1st preganany so i didnt know) that monday i wore a pad to school just in case around 10 am i went to the restroom n there was alot mor blood i called my mother at work and she told me to go home n wait for her to arrive once she didnt we went to the hospital (ER). we were there for about 5 hours they checked my cervix was still closed n when i heard that i was excited because i thought there was a chance that i was not miscarrying. after they did drow blood to run some test n i had an untrasound done. i was sent back to my room to wait for the news then the nurse came in and the doctor. the doctor sat in front of me n told my that even though my cervix was cloosed that i miscarried they said that they couldnt find a heartbeat anymore n that the baby only had looked like it was 7 or 8 weeks not the 9 1/2 weeks i was.. i seen my mother cry n i tryed so hard not to cry but i couldnt hold it in it was like my heart was torn out.. i couldnt believe it i had just seen the heartbeat a week before n now there wasnt any.. i went home to cry i blamed my self for i called my boyfriend about an hour after i had arrived home to till him he didnt know how to react. that same day i only didnt lose my baby whom i didnt even get to hold or name but i also lost my boyfriend i lost everything i had in the world.. when i am at home i feel fine with no pain but once i leave and walk out into the world i hurt. why, because now i have to face the people and tell them my loss and with that brings pain.. i dont believe that with everyday it gets easier because how can you forget the pain of not having your child with you. but what i do believe is that everything happens for a reason and that only it will be my turn and i will be able to hold my baby when the time is right. till that day i wait with open arms... and no matter what happens in the future i will not forget about the one i have lost but remember him/her because s/he is mine and forever will be....

nayvah

Miscarriage

I am 37 years old and just experienced by first miscarriage. I was 10 week 4 days, when I noticed brownish discharge and loss of breast tenderness. I went to the ER, depite the nurse telling me that those symptoms can be normal, but I knew something was wrong. The ultrasound showed that the baby was only 8 weeks 5 days in size and there was no heart beat. I was devestated! I called my Dr. the next day (Fri) and she scheduled me for a D&C on Monday. I noticed over the weekend, I lost all pregnancy symptoms and even lost the pregnancy weight (I lost 10 pounds in 1 week). I had no cramping, but continued to have some brownish discharge. My surgery was yesterday. It went well from a medical perspective. I was at the hosptial for a few hours after. Since going home I have only experienced mild cramping and some side effects from the anesthesia. Of course it has been an emotional roller coaster.

This was my 3rd pregnancy, I have 2 beautiful daughters ages 10 and 7 from a previous marriage. This baby would have been my husband's first. We had only told our parents and my husband's siblings, that we were pregnant. We were planning to tell our extended family and my daughters on Thanksgiving and it is now hard to think about celebrating any holidays at this time. My sister-in-law is pregnant and was only 2 weeks behind me. She is planning to tell the family at Thanksgiving. We have chosen to not go to my husband's family for Thanksgiving, as it will be to painful to share in her celebration.

I am very thankful that I didn't tell my children about this pregnancy yet, as it would have too hard to tell them of this loss. Partly why we didn't tell anyone of our pregnancy was to wait until we were out of the first trimester, in case something happened. I originally thought I wouldn't want to tell others of my pregnancy loss, but have found it comforting to have others to talk to about it. I have learned that several family and friends have also experinced such a loss. The positive side of not telling people we were pregnant is that we don't have to "untell" people and can choose who we want to share our miscarriage news with. Since my daughters don't know about the pregnancy or the loss we have asked people not to send us cards, so they don't accidently find out.

We plan to try again and are thinking positive that it will go well. I have a follow up appt. in 4 weeks with the Dr. Then she said we could start trying after my first or second real period. Of course I worry that I will miscarry again, but will try to remain optimistic.

To cope with this loss, I have ordered a charm for my Pandora bracelet of an Angel with the June birthstone in it. I originally wanted to get a pumkin since that was the baby's nickname, but they only had ugly looking Jack-o-lanterns that could not possibly represent this beautiful baby that I miss dearly.

If you are reading this and have experienced a miscarriage, I am sorry for your loss. If you think you are experiencing one, I highly recommend that you trust your gut instinct and get it check out, and hopefully get some peace of mind.

nayvah