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One week ago tonight

I just had a miscarriage a week ago. I was 12 weeks pregnant almost to the day, and visiting a friend on the West Coast (I live on the East Coast) so I was very, very far from home. I have no health insurance, and had been trying to cope with the unexpected, unplanned pregnancy as best I coud in a short amount of time. I waited almost the entire 12 weeks to even tell my family I was pregnant, only to call them a week later to tell them I was miscarrying. I had to go through a spontaneous miscarriage almost alone in a hospital, which was painful and so so sad. I had to tell the father over the phone that his baby had died. Our little boy, our little futbolista. I am home now, and feeling alot better which is a blessing, I did not know I could feel so empty and sad. I am scared that this will happen again if I become preganant again, and I don't know how to ever feel normal again.

Leah

Losing Chloe

My husband and I decided to start trying to get pregnant on our second anniversary. It seemed like the perfect time; we had jobs we loved, bought a house.. it seemed like the next logical step. We tried for one week shy of a year before getting pregnant. During that year I took about a million pregnancy tests.. just waiting for 2 lines to show up.. finally i got my wish. We were so excited to finally start a family. My doctor did an ultrasound at every appointment and we loved seeing the babys growth each month. At 4 months, we found out we were having a girl. Yes! I just knew it, I knew I couldnt make a boy.. my husband was a bit disappointed but knew that she would be daddys little girl. I went to bed on a Thursday night in December and woke up at about 4 am because fluid was pouring out of me. It wasnt a lot, but I thought it was strange. I called my doctor first thing friday morning. I told the nurse what happened and she said that I probably had a bladder infection. The doctor called in a script for antibiotics and I started taking them friday. I felt ok but stayed home from work just to take it easy. By Sunday, I had a low fever, 100.9. I took 2 Tylenol and went to bed. When I woke up Monday, my fever was gone.. Iwent to work. Around 2 pm I started having cramps. I called my doctor and the nurse told me to time them. They were 4 minutes apart. I was told that if they continued for 30 minutes to go to the OB Triage. I went to the bathroom when I got off the phone and there was blood..bright red blood. I asked a coworker to drive me to the hospital. My husband met me there. The drive over I kept thinking "everythings fine.. this must just be one of those pregnancy things". They strapped me to a monitor and I heard my baby girl heartbeat. A wave of relief came over my husband and I... she was alive and everything was going to be ok. Then we heard the worst news possible. The leaking fluid was my water breaking. Without fluid around her, Chloe would not continue to develop. Her lungs were to week to function on their own and before 24 weeks doctors cannot intervene. I would have to deliver her and she was not going to live. Grief took over and I could not think clearly. I asked them for every drug possible to help numb the physically and emotional pain. I told the doctor and my husband that I did not want to see her. I was terrified of what I'd see. Chloe was born at 4am. She was stillborn. My husband wanted to see her. Acouple hours after she was born, and they had prepared her, Jeremy went to see her. When he came back downstairs, I heard him balling outside the door.
The doctors kept me in the hospital for another night because I had a high fever of 103 when I delivered the baby. The day after giving birth, a grief counselor came to see us. She was very nice and shared her knowledge with us and gave ussome books to read to help us cope. Jeremy went to see Chloe again. He came back and asked me if I was sure I didnt want to see her. He said that I would only have a small amount of time to make the decision and said he was worried I'd regret not taking the chance to see and hold her. I told him I'd think about it. We slept at the hospital again and when we woke up I told my husband that I was afraid of what I'd see, that I didnt want the memory of the baby to be something morbid.. I want to think of her as my beautiful little girl. My husband said "She is beautiful". I decided to see her. They brought her in in a little basket wrapped in a pink blanket with a little hat on. Chloe Elise weighed just under a pound and was 11" long. My husand was right.. she was perfect. I could already see how much she looked like Jeremy. Her hands and feet were amazing.. little fingers and finger nails. I dont know why I was so afraid. Something about seeing her made me feel so much better. Holding her in my arms, saying hello and goodbye....letting her know that mommy and daddy love her.... it gave us a bit of closure. It's been 4 weeks today since I went into the hospital and I've found that the grief comes in waves and it will hit me without notice anytime. We are doing our best to get back to normal life but I know that we will never fully recover. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. I am so lucky to have such a great partner. I dont know what I would do without his love and support or without the love and support of my family. The only thing that keeps us going is the possibility of getting pregnant again. I have this vacant space that needs to be filled. Since the doctors can not determine a reason for the loss we will just have to hope that this doesnt happen again. Lightening cant strike twice right? This can happen to anyone at anytime and unfortunately it happened to us.

Megan

great sadness and anger

We were so excited when we learned right before Christmas that we were pregnant. We have a 3 1/2 yr. old daugher that was so excited. We bought a "Big Sister" shirt for her and this was a really cool way to tell our parents the news at Christmas time. Things were going so well... I seemed to be showing a bit, but felt pretty good, just tired. Well, the bleeding started on 1/6 and I called the dr office to find out what to do, but was told that as long as the bleeding was not heavy and the cramps were not too severe, that this was normal. I spotted and cramped all evening. I was awoken from a still sleep with cramping at 3 a.m. the next morning and thought, God, I hope this is not the end. The bleeding was heavier and I was starting to clot. I called the office as soon as it opened. The dr examined me and said that my uterus was "pregnant" and cervix was closed, he set up ultrasound to see how the baby was doing, but tried not to give us much hope. Unforunately, the ultrasound had no baby, no heartbeat, just emptiness... my heart sank. How do you go back and tell people that were so excited two weeks ago, that there is no baby to be excited about. I feel so confused and angry now... the tears have dried up. I just cannot understand how this happened and why...

Leanne

stillbirth

I has a stillbirth at 41 weeks and a day, the heartbeat went within 4 hours up until then everything was fine. we lost jake 23/10/2008 its devested us to lose a baby that far gone. we had no warning signs that anything was wrong still waiting for post mortum results. but 50/50 there will be no known cause which is worse.

michelle jones

Heartbroken

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, my husband and I were sharing a microbrew beer when it occurred to me I could be pregnant. I only took a few sips before realizing I was not enjoying it like I normally did on a Friday night. I took a pregnancy test, and sure enough, it was positive-- we were shocked, ecstatic and so moved by knowing a new life had started. I could hardly wait until Monday came when I could schedule a doctor's visit. This was my third pregnancy and I was just shy of turning 39. Over the ensuing weeks, I had some brown staining here and there, but for three ultrasounds was reassured by a strong heartbeat. The dates were off by a week, however, and I was certain of my LMP, but went along with the doctor's theory I may have ovulated late. I worried nonetheless. On Sunday, December 22nd, I saw some red blood, as minor as it seemed to be, I was scared and went to bed very early. I called the doctor's office in tears the next morning and relayed what was going on. They sent me to get an ultrasound. I drove there by myself, fully expecting I would be reassured once again. The sonographer was very quiet and I finally asked if I could see the baby. She turned the monitor toward me and I saw the baby, but I questioned where the heartbeat was. She responded that she couldn't find one. I shrieked and immediately cried tears of the most profound sadness I have ever experienced. I called my husband while she found a radiologist to confirm the devastating finding. My husband told me how sorry he was, and I told him it was his loss, too. I cried the whole way home, and every day since this has happened. I had a D and C on Christmas Eve of all days. Although I was technically 10 weeks along, the u/s indicated the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks. I had no idea things went so wrong before I suspected there was a problem. I saw this baby's heartbeat before-- I heard this baby's heartbeat before-- and I had such great plans for this new baby. I am devastated-- and the loss is so invisible to so many people. I am angry at those who talk about 'nature's way,' and am consoled when people recognize this as a loss of human life. I don't know how to regulate the sadness I feel...this loss is just unbearable. I realize I need help coping and am just beginning to find resources to help me. This is why I am writing my story on this site-- writing about my miscarriage and talking about it seems to be helping. I am so sorry for everyone on this site experiencing this sadness like myself.

Kelly